Sunday, November 15, 2009

A Prosthetic Marriage?

Surely everyone knows what a prosthesis is.  
Basically - 
an artificial substitute for 
the real thing.

An arm.

A leg.

A heart.

Why not have a prosthetic marriage?

It seems that's the consensus that my partner and I have come to for the time being.  We've had a meeting of the minds, I guess you could say.  On a few levels. One of which, is to drop the divorce for now.

When I picked up the kids a few nights ago, he told me he'd instructed his attorney to "suspend" everything.  He said it was not what he wanted.  I was stunned.  This was completely unexpected.  

A wave of release swept over me. 
Of course, I'll reciprocate.  At least it will give me a chance to rest a little (hopefully) and lessen the stress.  That's never a bad thing.

Finally.  A chance for peace.

With the direction things were going in, this is a giant relief.  To my mind, my heart, my soul.

Things had crescendoed into a such a fervor of defensive, cutting, reactionary behavior and it was steadily heading out of anyone's control.  It never had to be like that and he, thankfully, had finally seen that for himself.  

It's a burden lifted from the kids.  Mostly our oldest son.  He's old enough to know what divorce is and has had such a hard time with all of it.  I've struggled daily to know just the right words to say and manner in which to say them to make his world a little brighter and simply less foreboding altogether.  With this change in direction, he's been smiling a bit more and fighting me a little less.

That does my heart good.

We're going to stay married, though continue to live apart.
He is going to continue to seek the mental health treatment that he now admits, at least to me, he needs and wants.  That's huge.  His mental and emotional health has always been more important to me, throughout all of this, than my own feelings, opinions or even dignity.  Our children need their Daddy. 

At this point, he doesn't seem too open to addressing things of a more personal nature.  There hasn't been much talk of the relationship between the two of us.  Save for the fact that I've been told there's "lots of things you're gonna have to change before I'm ready to be with you".  

Yeah.  I know.  Some nerve.

That actually hurt a whole lot.  I've worked for the past two years to change a ton of things about myself that neither he nor I liked.  I'm far from perfect and likely will never be.  But it's not necessary, at this juncture, to have my 
(mostly ordinary) faults shoved in my face and smushed in.  Especially after all the things I've been through with him.  After working for five years to forgive what most would deem unforgivable.  After desperately pulling myself out of a very deep, debilitating depression, as a result of his unfaithfulness.  After putting up with feeling insecure and unsafe strictly because of his unstable, erratic, unpredictable beliefs and behaviors.

Even considering all of that, it's no secret that I love my husband.  I do.  
I have always been willing to do whatever it takes for us to make it and keep our family together.  

He's recently shared some things with me that put his sexual indiscretions in a whole different light for me.  He's admitted to seeking help for that area of his life, as well.  That DOES make a difference to me, because it's never happened before.  Seeing evidence of the willingness to face things and work toward change is enough for me to, at the least, have some faith that now there is opportunity for things to end up much differently than how they've been and were turning out to be.

Who knows what happens now.

Maybe we'll work everything out.  Maybe we'll end up divorcing eventually.  I have no idea.

What I do know is that what we're left with is, at best, unconventional.  A substitution.
Most definitely a prosthetic, since at the moment the real thing is for sure missing.

I know - it's artificial.  Unreal.
But at least it's not this kind of artificial...

I already tried that.  
It didn't work.
No amount of on-time dinners, gleaming household, or cute, flirty frocks below my perfectly coiffed hair and made-up face plastered with the sweetest smile 
I could muster did the trick.

Maybe if I'd had this nifty helper I'd have been a 
bit more successful...

Something tells me, though, that even "The Good Wife Guide" would have fallen short when doling out advice and pointers for my marriage, in particular.

I'm now faced with making the best of a bad situation.

And that's just what I intend to do.
I will support him in his endeavors to achieve mental and emotional health.  I will do whatever is in my power to help him through that journey.  I love him and want the absolute best for him.  Even if that doesn't include me.  I will walk wherever the path leads.  Listen to my heart.  Continue to do my best to shield my children from seeing the complete brokenness of their father and the pain his actions have created in both our lives.

It is, no doubt, a very long row to hoe.  My hope, right now, is that I'm able to keep my sanity and heart intact as I go along.

Wish me luck.

*Thanks to Google Images for all the pics


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