Sunday, November 1, 2009

I miss him. Oy-vey...

 There.  I said typed it out loud.

Y'all must think I'm nuts.  But it's true.

I've been sobbing, moping and weeping for the last 48 hours.  The loneliness is so immense right now.  I'm helpless to stop the tears and nothing I try is filling the void.  

I keep asking myself (as some of you may be wondering, too) just how it is I can miss someone who has hurt me deeper than I knew was possible.  You would think I'd be feeling things like anger, frustration, confusion and maybe a little indignation.  Instead - there's just incredible sadness, hurt and abandonment.

I first learned about Crazy Kinky Boy's infidelities over 7 years ago.  Yes, you read that correctly.  A long time ago, I know.  Someday I'll tell you the whole story of how I found out.  

That being said, I got over the anger, etc. about 5 years ago.  I had decided to stay in my marriage and help him with figuring out his sexuality and dealing with the issues that had arisen as a result of him cheating on me and hiding his "problem".  I believed him when he told me that he was NOT homosexual and did NOT want that for his life.  That he loved me, the kids and wanted to keep our family together and be the man that I deserved.  I still loved him.  Still do.  

This guy may have completely ripped apart a family because he wanted to have his cake and eat it, too and didn't know how to accomplish that honestly.  But that doesn't mean he's totally evil.  He's human - just like you and me.  I seriously doubt that he was able to fully enjoy any of his romps or indiscretions because he does, after all, have a conscience.   Whether or not he ever listened to that conscience is up for debate.   I'm betting he didn't, or at the least fought against it, and that's what led to all the crazy.

As hurt as I am, I choose to remember the good.  

It's hard to forget all the sweet stuff.  There was sweet stuff between the two of us.
Lots of it.  That's what I miss the most.  

Such as.....
No one has ever made me laugh the way he did.  I'm talking guttural, chest heaving, unstoppable, screaming, crying laughter.  The kind you heave a big sigh after and have to stifle yet another round from bubbling up.  The type of laughter you always feel better from afterwards.  So.  Good.

He liked to spoon.  Yep.  He loved it.  I would have to fend him off sometimes just to have a little space now and then.  Sad, 'huh?  But he really liked doing that.  And not just after sex.  Anytime.  How many women have husbands that actually like spooning?  

He once told me that whenever he saw my war-torn, scarred up, stretched out belly that it made him happy.  Said it took him back to the delivery room watching each of his kids being born.  He told me every time he looked at a stretch mark on me he was reminded of the gifts I had given him.  Whoa.  Way too sweet.

See - he's not so much an evil bastard, after all.

So, when I start thinking on all the good there was (and there's more than what I've mentioned here) 
I get really, really sad.  

I start recalling all of the good times and the bad ones just melt away.  Then I begin missing other things - like hugs and kisses.  Human touch, in general.  Someone running me a warm bubble bath because they know I've had a rough day.  Another adult in the house to share a joke with.  Not being the only parent around for the kids to request things of.  Eating dinner with someone who can appreciate something other than 
mac 'n cheese or PB & J.  

Those may seem like trivial things.  They are.  But isn't it the trivial, day-to-day things that work together to make our lives what they are as a whole? At least to some extent.  Do you find that, more often than not, it's the small stuff that can sometimes be so big and important?  Or, as in my case, so missed when it's not there.

I have to refuse to focus on the hurt.

I think it's important for me to remember the good things about Crazy Kinky Boy and our decade-long marriage.  I will not allow myself to chalk it all up to being one giant farce.  It wasn't.  There were good things and good feelings and good intentions all wrapped up and hidden underneath the bad stuff.  In the past, I had to dig to find it.  In the present, it's right there staring me in the face unavoidably.  

I won't let myself turn away from it or trade it for all the pain in the end.  I'll embrace it and recall it and draw on it from time to time.  Because inside all of that is the representation of who I saw when I fell in love.  That is the real father of my children.  That is who I want to be my friend for the rest of my life. Not the ugly, tormented, desperate, deceitful shell of a man that he let himself become.

I miss him.  I said typed it out loud again.  
It's true.
God help me.


Linn said...

I think the hardest part for ANYONE to understand is that, just because you are divorcing, and there is a million good reasons for it, it doesn't mean that there isn't still love there, and the truth is, I think that the harder you try to bury it, the harder it hits you in the gut when you acknowledge it. Hang in there. You have lots of friends here rooting for you.

ARW said...

oh sweetie,
you know i love u. i guess i just have a different view of this than you do right now....i guess because i'm on the other side of the bars...two sets of them....and i know how the story turns out!! go ahead and love him now. think of good memories if that's what YOU need to do to get through this. because, and i mean this, it is all about YOU right now. it really, really is. YOU have to get through this so that YOU can be the fantastic mother that is necessary to raise three fabulous kids and run her own business!!! which i KNOW you can. you are a much, much stronger person than you realize. and much more talented....i'll share more of that with you later....

keep writing girl. we're here. we'll always be here. and we'll listen and cry and laugh....and come on over and i'll be happy to hug!! (but no spooning...i gotta draw a line...) :D

Stacie's Madness said...

in my case it's missing SOMEONE to be with, feeling ALONE sucks.

then I quickly remember how I did have SOMEONE and still felt so very ALONE.

I am glad you had good times and know that someday we both shall have good times (again).

Becca's Dirt said...

The hardest thing to learn is how to be alone. There are no books to teach us how to be alone and not be so lonely. Your road is a hard one - one that requires you to be diligent and consistant. Of course you miss him - he was a part of your life for a long time. You can't change history but you have power over tomorrow. Everyday get up and say to yourself that this is a brand new day and it is MINE and no one can spoil it - because you want let them. Hang in there.

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