Obituary

I've been blessed in this life to not have lost very many people that I hold dear.  Sure - I've experienced the deaths of a few loved ones and friends, but only one caused me to truly grieve.  


My grandfather passed away to the great unknown not long after I'd given birth to my first son.  I'm grateful that I made that trip just a few months before he died to introduce him to my child.  I will never forget that day.  My grandmother and aunts said it was the first time he'd laughed and smiled that much in weeks.  The gleam in his eyes told me he knew exactly what was taking place, even though he couldn't express it.  I could tell that he was so proud of and happy for me.  He loved his family more than life itself and it kind of felt as if he knew it would carry on without him here. 


When Papaw died, I was crushed.  I knew it was coming and, due to how long he had suffered both mentally and physically, had even prayed for it.  Prayed for his release from the confines of this life.  But I still was ill-prepared.  I cried and screamed and moped around for months afterwards.  I missed him.  He was a sort of hero to me and I didn't like what life was without him here at all.  It was just too much finality for me.  Though all the years he suffered from strokes (13 years, almost) I prayed for God to take him; once he did it was too much to handle.  Facing the fact that I would never see his face, hear his laugh, eat another sno-cone with him ..... that was really, really difficult to come to terms with.

But I did.  Eventually. 

Lately I've found myself behaving similarly to how I did when my Papaw passed away.  The smallest detail in a movie has the power to bring forth a river of tears. Someone says something that reminds me of Crazy Kinky Boy and my eyes well up.  Worst of all - out of nowhere comes a thought, in the middle of doing laundry or some other mundane, routine thing, and the next thing I know...I'm a sopping wet, shaking, mumbling mess.

Many times I feel an actual void inside.  Like something is missing.  Gone.  Vanished.  Stolen from me.  

I realize then that I'm remembering the good things of my marriage.  The stuff that filled my heart and warmed me.  All of the things that I thought would be enough. 

But they aren't.

So, I'll ask again.....Am I grieving?  Could this be part of the process of divorce?  I wasn't expecting any of it.  I really don't know how to deal with it, either.  I've been pretty  hurt, bitter and angry.  Still am.  Why is everything suddenly so sad?  I quite honestly prefer the tougher side of this coin, as it makes me feel much more confident than tears and feelings of self-pity.  But I can't seem to control it or stop it.  It comes like a thief in the night.  Or day.  Maybe in the middle of the grocery store with people looking at me like I'm a lunatic.  Whenever it damn well feels like it.  

One thing I've gained an incredible awareness of presently is my marriage was never what I thought it was or tried to make it.  How could it have been?  My husband was basically living a double life.  Whether actively or only on the inside, at times.  His heart was never one with mine.  It was always conflicted, confused and wracked with guilt and shame.  No wonder it would all fall apart some day.

If something was never there in the first place and I'd only fooled myself that it was, then how can I possibly grieve that?  

Missing what I never had - 

that's pretty ridiculous.  

Maybe the reason I'm crying all the time and feeling that void inside is because I realize what a fool I have been.  I could just be feeling sorry for myself.  It doesn't change the fact that something is definitely missing.....

Hope.  

The last nail in the coffin has been driven.  

And it's incredibly sad.